Roseanne & The Conners Wiki
Roseanne & The Conners Wiki

Smoking Penguins and Santa on Santa Action is the ninth episode of Season 2 of The Conners, also the 20th episode overall.


Dan is disappointed when everyone but Becky forgets about his birthday. Meanwhile, Darlene is faced with another issue, and Dan excludes Jackie from the family Christmas Santa photo for mistreating Louise.



Today is Dan's birthday. The only two people that remember are Becky and Louise. At first, Dan is happy that nobody else gave him any presents. The news magazine is downsizing. Ben lost his job while Darlene has a pay reduction.

Dan is working at The Lunch Box. Louise brings gluten free lunch from Casita Bonita. Jackie thinks that Louise is trying to outcook Roseanne and won't stop ridiculing Louise. Louise demands that Dan talk to Jackie.

Darlene meets the distributor, who has a bottle of champagne for Darlene. However, the distributor makes it clear the type of person she is after she says she divorced her husband. She also says that while she understands that women need more power, she refuses to reinstate Darlene's salary. Darlene threatens her personally, and says that she is no volunteer. After that, Darlene threatens to quit. The distributor keeps saying that other people would appreciate the publisher job, but since there are five other people who want to be publisher, Darlene is immediately fired. The distributor makes sure to get the last word by taking back the champagne.

D.J. tells the kids to plug their Christmas Lights next door but they get caught. However, Jackie is able to walk off with the shopping mall's ornaments. The kids also ask Darlene about her new job, expecting more presents. Darlene lets them down by talking nonsense. Dan tells Jackie that she is out of the Santa Claus picture. Jackie is frantic for a few minutes. Becky walks in bragging that she remembers his birthday. It was that moment that Dan felt ashamed and wanted to be left alone. Mark Junior tries to slip away with an excuse but Darlene tells him that he is not allowed to make a last minute gift.

Ben and Darlene get drunk at the bar. He teases her for only being publisher for two hours. They also get ready to say goodbye as Darlene does not think she will be in Chicago again for a while. Ben kisses her, but she wonders if they are going to get back together. He orders another drink but she cancels it.

Jackie confronts Louise but she tells Jackie to order something. Jackie orders two olives. She tells Louise that Dan does not want Louise and Jackie to be at the same place and at the same time because Louise is attacking Jackie. Louise is shocked. Jackie says that Louise's reply is the perfect example of the issues that they have to work past. She proceeds to ask Louise to talk to Dan. Louise says that this is not her problem. Jackie agrees and says not to worry; she has problems with everybody else as well.

Louise says that Jackie does not need to pay for her olives. She grabs a handful for her. Louise understands why Jackie is upset and says that she has no intention of replacing Roseanne. Jackie makes it clear that nobody can ever replace her sister. Louise says that she wants to keep Dan because great guys are almost impossible to find. Jackie agrees and they both talk about their failed relationships. Jackie tells her about when a man dumped her, she had to climb down a "ladder of shame" instead of a walk of shame. Louise mentions a man that had a glass eye sitting there to watch them having sex. Jackie says that Louise's ex is still a better man than any of Jackie's.

Now Louise pours a drink for Jackie. Louise said that she has no problem taking it slowly with Dan; they have not even kissed. Louise is no gold digger as Dan is in his third mortgage. She asks Jackie if Dan should be alone for the rest of his life and promises she will not marry him without asking Jackie first. But Jackie is worried about the Santa Claus picture. Both of them will be in it together. They continue to compete about their failed relationships.

Ben and Darlene had sex. Darlene is about to go home but Ben wants her to stay, order food, and get back together.

Dan can't sleep and Becky is awake all night trying to calm her infant. Becky feels bad that not too many people remembered his birthday. Dan reminds Becky that they are not supposed to talk about their problems. She tells Dan that he better talk about it before he internalizes it as she did. Dan opens up to her for a moment. He says he lost everything and is nothing without his family. If his family forgets his birthday again, it will be worse after he dies. Becky promises to never let anybody else forget. Dan pretends to be apathetic.

The Conners meet Santa Claus. Becky mentions she recovered from alcohol, Mark Junior asks if the elves are slaves, Jackie pranks Santa, and Louise apologizes to him. After they get done Santa gives Dan a present. All of the pictures are disasterous, and Jackie takes it even farther by getting a picture ready to post on her dating site. She pasted Harris into the picture. Also in the picture Jackie slid out in front and in between Dan and Louise. Jackie grabbed the scissors and removed Louise from the picture.



Special Guest




The Conners: Season Two
Preemies, Weed and InfidelityA Kiss Is Just A KissThe Preemie MonologuesLanford... LanfordNightmare on Lunch Box StreetTempest in a Stew PotSlappy HolidaysLanford, Toilet of SinSmoking Penguins and Santa on Santa ActionThrowing a Christian to a BearMud Turtles, A Good Steak and One Man in a TubLive From LanfordBrothers, Babies and BreakdownsBad Dads and GradsBeards, Thrupples and RobotsTats and TiasThe Icewoman ComethPilot Lights & Sister FightsCPAPs, Hickeys and BiscuitsBridge Over Troubled Conners
Season Episode Guides

Roseanne: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Season 7Season 8Season 9Season 10
The Conners: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4