Stand on Your Man was the ninth episode of Season 5 of Roseanne, also the 106th overall series episode. Written by Sy Dukane and Denise Moss, the episode was directed by Andrew D. Weyman. It originally aired on ABC-TV on November 17, 1992.


Roseanne is threatened at work, prompting the girls to sign up for a self-defense class. When Arnie returns for Nancy, he learns about her lesbian lifestyle.



Opening day at the newest diner in Lanford, the Lunch Box brings many surprises as well as excitement. The ladies spend the day welcoming customers, and earning their first dollars.

As closing time nears, Roseanne attempts to get all of the customers cleared out, and the remaining straggler is a man set on a cup of coffee. At first, Roseanne tries her usual smart-mouth response, but he quickly turns the tables on her when he grabs her by the collar for a long stare-down.

A ringing phone brings them both back to reality, and he releases her, and walks out of the diner. Roseanne quickly locks the door behind him, and catches her breath. Meanwhile, Dan shows up to see what the hold up is, and Roseanne tells him what happened. Dan gets protective, and starts to show up at the diner, to make sure that the ladies are safe.

Talking amongst themselves, the ladies decide that they need to close up in pairs, and also need to take a self-defense course. Arnie breezes into the picture at the interrupting the lesson to try and get Nancy to give him another chance. After a list of no's, Nancy reveals that she is now attracted to women. To which Arnie replies that he really doesn't mind, as long as he is kept in the loop. Since he has shown up during Nancy uses her new tool, of shouting "NOOOOOOO!" to get rid of him, and he leaves, defeated.

Back inside, the defense is heating up, as Roseanne is taking on the assailant, kicking him into submission, and then some. Later that night at home, Dan wonders what Rosie has learned, so she tells him. He laughs it off, until she "pecks" him in the eyes and the scene fades to black.



Also StarringEdit



  • This is the first time Arnie Thomas has been seen since the Season 4 finale "Aliens". It also marks Arnie's last appearance in the series. Tom Arnold will however return in "Lose a Job, Winnebago" but playing himself.
  • Clinton Allmon and Jeff Heston who play the two aliens had previously appeared as aliens in the Season 4 episode "Aliens".
  • In the CODA, Tom Arnold steps out of his role as Arnie to speak with Michael Fishman aboard the spaceship that has kidnapped Arnie. Tom asks Michael if he has seen his new show The Jackie Thomas Show.
  • Roseanne lifts a phone from under the counter at the Lunch Box to make a phone call. You can clearly see there is no cord plugged in.
  • Despite being credited, Lecy Goranson (Becky Conner) does not appear.


  • Roseanne: Darlene, take this and get some napkins.
  • Darlene: I can't buy napkins with 50 cents.
  • Roseanne: Sure you can, you go to that chicken joint and order a soda, and then steal all their napkins.
  • Darlene: Anything else I can get you? Spoons, forks, a chair?

  • Roseanne: (to Dan) Get me a beer. And when I'm done I'll let you crush the can.

  • Dan [to Roseanne]: Have you considered getting a gun for the diner?
  • Roseanne: Oh, there's a great idea. A loaded gun in the same room as my mother and my sister. What if they miss each other and kill a customer?
  • Dan: Then they'll have to reload.

  • Roseanne: See that sticker over there on the door? "This premises protected by the Lantron Security Alarm Systems."
  • Dan: Where'd you get that?
  • Roseanne: I stole it.

Roseanne: Season Five
Terms of Estrangement, Part 1Terms of Estrangement, Part 2The Dark AgesPretty in BlackMommy NearestLooking for Loans in All the Wrong PlacesHalloween IVLadies' ChoiceStand on Your ManGood Girls, Bad GirlsOf Ice and MenIt's No Place Like Home for The HolidaysCrime and PunishmentWar and PeaceLanford DazeWait Till Your Father Gets HomeFirst Cousin, Twice RemovedLose a Job, WinnebagoIt's a Boy!It Was Twenty Years Ago TodayPlaying with MatchesPromises, PromisesGlengarry, Glen RoseyTooth or ConsequencesDaughters and Other Strangers
Season Episode Guides

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