Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker (transcript)

Season 4, Episode 3.

[The episode begins with DJ having some cereal when a dog suddenly walks into the kitchen]

Transcript[]

DJ: No, no, go back in the basement 'til I tell Mom and Dad about you! [takes the dog to the basement and closes the door] Stay! I'll go get you some food. [DJ leaves the kitchen as the dog hops onto the chair and eats DJ's cereal. Roseanne walks in, unaware of the dog]
Roseanne: Morning, DJ. [Becky later walks in]
Becky: Can I have the car tonight?
Roseanne: Where you goin'?
Becky: Mother, I'm 17 years old. You don't have to be so overprotective.
Roseanne: Yes I do; I love that car. [Darlene and Dan come into the kitchen]
Dan: Roseanne, remember the poker game's here tonight.
Roseanne: Why can't you have it over at Chuckie's house?
Dan: It's my turn.
Darlene: [notices the dog] What's this? [everyone else sees the dog]
Roseanne: Dan, I told you we shouldn't let DJ have that chemistry set. [DJ walks in with a bag of dog food] So, what have you got to say for yourself?
DJ: Can I have a dog?
Becky: No, we're not keeping it. That thing is disgusting.
DJ: I'll take care of him.
Roseanne: Well, now honey, that's what you said about the frog and the turtle, goldfish and the little mouse, and they're all in heaven now, aren't they, honey?
Becky: Mom, the dog stinks worse than DJ.
DJ: He does not!
Roseanne: You guys go on out of the room while Dad and me talk to DJ here.
Becky: OK, just don't screw this up, Mother.
Darlene: And remember, Mom, the frog and the turtle. Well, this one's too big to flush. (the girls head out)
Roseanne: What, did he follow you home from school or something?
DJ: No, I traded Kenny my comic books for him.
Roseanne: Well, does Kenny's mom know that he traded away his dog?
DJ: She gave me the dog food.
Roseanne: Well, I'm really sorry DJ, but you're gonna have to take him back.
DJ: Why??
Roseanne: Because it's a big responsibility, DJ. Your sisters aren't gonna help you, and me and Daddy are real busy, you know? And remember since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.
Dan: [petting the dog] Yeah, you're just a happy boy, yes you are! Look at you wagging your happy little tail. [making smooching noises]
Roseanne: Uh, Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule, or keep making out with the dog?
Dan: Your mom's right, DJ. We're gonna have to call Kenny's mom and have her pick the dog up. Now, take him outside.
DJ: It's not fair! [takes the dog outside]
Dan: He is cute.
Roseanne: Yeah, you just fall in love with anything that licks your nose. [makes a phone call]
Dan: Not true, it's the way you used to kick your leg when I scratched your tummy.
Roseanne: [on the phone] Hello, Lorraine? Yeah, it's Roseanne Conner. Yeah, yeah, your dog's here. No, I don't blame you at all, you had to take a shot. So listen, when can you come and pick him up? Okay, I'll see you then, thanks. Bye. [hangs up]
Dan: You know, I feel sorry for that little dog, nobody wants him. So pitiful.
Roseanne: That reminds me, I need to call Jackie. [dials Jackie] You know, I'm kinda worried about her because she called here last night, all freaked out from the Lobo Lounge. She ran into Gary and his brand new fiancee.
Dan: Gary's getting married?
Roseanne: Yeah, she's drunk and everything, so I made sure they called her a cab to get her home. [waits for a reply] Come on sis, answer the damn phone!

[scene cuts to Jackie's apartment, with her phone ringing and her in bed, struggling to answer it]

Jackie: Hello? Hello??? [puts the phone aside without hanging up. She discovers a man's clothes beside her bed, grabs a big shoe, mulling over what happened] What did I do? [suddenly, Arnie comes out of her bathroom in his undergarments, brushing his teeth]
Arnie: Listen, I dropped my car keys down your toilet, so you're gonna have to give me a ride home. [Jackie, realizing what happened last night, shudders in sheer horror and disgust]

[the title sequence plays, which is reused from last season, except that Roseanne Barr's name is changed to "Roseanne Arnold." The Conner family is playing poker, using trail mix as poker chips. The camera pans around, and back to Roseanne Conner, who just won the jackpot and does her famous laugh. Scene cuts to Rodbell's where Roseanne is still trying to contact Jackie]

Roseanne: Jeez, come on, Jackie, answer the damn phone!
Bonnie: Still no luck, huh?
Roseanne: No, and she doesn't even have her answering machine on, you know? This is so like her. She gets upset, and then she, like, totally goes into hiding.
Bonnie: I'm the same way, Roseanne. I mean, when I'm feeling down, I don't see anyone, I don't wanna talk to anyone.
Roseanne: Well, see, that's where we differ. When I'm in a bad mood, I can't wait to spread it around. [Dan walks in]
Dan: Hey, Leon.
Leon: Hi, Dan.
Dan: Hello, wife. Hello, friend of wife.
Bonnie: Hey, Danny.
Roseanne: What are you doing here?
Dan: I thought maybe you and me could go catch a movie.
Roseanne: Yeah? Cool, okay, well, I'll go get my coat. [gets her coat] What happened to your poker game?
Dan: Oh, Dandy cancelled at the last minute, and we're a guy short. [Leon overhears] Besides, I'd much rather spend the night with my baby.
Leon: Listen, Dan, if you need another player, hey, I love poker.
Dan: Baby, the game's back on.
Roseanne: [puts on her coat] What happened to "spend the night with my baby"?
Dan: [scoffs] We can go to the movies anytime.
Roseanne: Yeah, but we don't.
Dan: We could.
Roseanne: Well, don't expect me to sit there watching you play poker. [walks over to Bonnie] Bonnie, do you wanna do something? You wanna go to the movies or something?
Bonnie: Sure.
Roseanne: Okay, well, I'll get Jackie and we'll see who else wants to go, and we'll make a night out of it.
Bonnie: Great.
Roseanne: [to Dan] So... Don't expect me to make any stupid sandwiches for your stupid poker game.
Dan: Oh, Leon.
Leon: Yeah?
Dan: I just remembered, house rules, the new guy brings the sandwiches.
Leon: Oh, well, no problem. We're in a restaurant, huh? [chuckles] Roseanne?
Roseanne: No! [walks away]
Leon: Bonnie??
Bonnie: No way. [walks away]
Leon: Let's just pick up a pizza on the way over, hmm?

[Dan nods in agreement. Scene transitions to the Conner household, Roseanne and Dan enter through the kitchen]

Roseanne: I don't want Leon in my house, Dan.
Dan: Why not?
Roseanne: Because he's my boss, and bosses aren't supposed to be in your house. It's wrong, don't you see?
Dan: He's only gonna be here a couple of hours, lose a lot of money, and then leave.
Roseanne: Well, don't let him look in the refrigerator, because he's gonna see everything I swiped from the restaurant. [Becky walks in]
Becky: Mom, the dog ate my slippers, he destroyed my brand-new sweater, and now look at what he's using as his chew toy! [shows the dog with one of her bras in his mouth]
Roseanne: Well, I hope he bought you dinner first. [the dog walks away]
Becky: Just get rid of him, please. [throws away her sweater and leaves]
Roseanne: I'll take care of it. [Dan sets up the poker table top as Roseanne makes a phone call]
Dan: You call Lorraine?
Roseanne: I'm calling. This is my fourth time today. Hi Lorraine, it's Roseanne. Listen, when are you gonna come and get this dog? Oh, a kitchen fire? [she and Dan exchange looks] Oh, well, call me up later, then. [hangs up]
Dan: A kitchen fire?
Roseanne: Yeah, you wouldn't believe the day Lorraine's had. First her car breaks down, and now a kitchen fire, and man, the way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat. [she leaves as Jackie walks in]
Jackie: Hi.
Dan: Hey.
Jackie: Is Roseanne ready?
Dan: Oh, she's getting changed. Listen, she told me about Gary. I'm really sorry.
Jackie: Aw, jeez, Dan, no. I broke up with him months ago. I mean, I dumped the guy, So, if he's seeing somebody else, that's his business. I wish him all the luck in the world. [pause] Do you have any vodka?

[Dan shakes his head as the scene transitions to Rodbells, which is closed. The girls and a security guard named Gordon exit the elevator into the dark restaurant]

Gordon: Okay ladies, watch yourselves. Lemme get the lights.
Bonnie: The place is ours. Let's eat!
Crystal: This is great! Apple pie.
Gordon: [turns on the lights as everyone else gets pie] Roseanne, I could lose my job if anybody found out I let you in here like this.
Roseanne: Oh, Gordon, if you get fired, it'll be because of those Mr. Lonely parties you have in the mattress department. [everyone else laughs]
Anne Marie: You know, since the guys have their game every week, how about we do this every week?
Roseanne: Yeah.
Bonnie: Girls' night out. We could go bowling. We could play bingo.
Roseanne: Awesome. Great.
Crystal: Yeah.
Anne Marie: Oh, yeah, that's just great.
Roseanne: [walks over to a despondent Jackie] Jackie... Jackie, you're sucking the fun out of this party.
Jackie: I'm having fun.
Roseanne: No, you're not. You're sitting there like a great big lump of death.
Jackie: I'm having a good time.
Roseanne: So you're upset about Gary.
Jackie: No, I'm fine about Gary.
Roseanne: Well, what is it, then?
Jackie: I can't, it's personal. I'll tell you later. [goes to the front counter]
Roseanne: Jackie, these are my closest friends. [everybody else joins them at the table] Whatever you tell me in confidence I'll eventually tell them anyway.
Anne Marie: Thanks, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Well, that's just how I feel.
Bonnie: I say if we can't share our feelings with one another, We might as well be men. [laughter]
Crystal: Hear, hear!
Jackie: No, I can't!
Anne Marie: Oh, Jackie. You don't have to tell us, but if you want to, we're all here for you.
Jackie: Oh, God! Okay. All right, I do need to talk about it, I guess. [they rush over to Jackie's table] Have you ever done something that you're really ashamed of? [silence as she leaves the table] No, never mind.
Crystal: Oh, well, I have. Uh, well... Well, okay. Wh-when I was a senior in high school, I voted for myself for homecoming queen.
Roseanne: Oh, man. I thought you were gonna tell that story about when in high school, you wanted to look like you really popular, so you gave yourself a hickey with a vacuum cleaner. [everyone laughs as Crystal sits uneasily]
Crystal: I would have never told that story, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, whatever.
Anne Marie: Okay. All right. How about this? The first time I did it with Chuck, I told him I wasn't a virgin, but I really was.
Bonnie: Why the hell you wanna lie about something like that for?
Anne Marie: 'Cause I didn't want him getting all smug and strutting around like he's Christopher Columbus.
Bonnie: Oh, like they do. That's what they do.
Roseanne: They do that. Yes, they do. Okay... Uh, this one time, I, uh, wrote this bad check to the, uh, Jerry Lewis Telethon... Um, just so I could hear him say my name on television.
Crystal: Oh, Roseanne, you didn't do that.
Jackie: [goes behind counter] Oh, no. Ughhhh...
Bonnie: Oh, Jackie, okay, well, okay, I think I got something a little more on the lines of, um, what you'd call shame. [Jackie listens attentively] Back when Duke and I were drinking, we kinda like were short on cash, so, uh, [sighs] we robbed a liquor store.
Roseanne: Whoa.
Crystal: Well, I-I guess you really were desperate.
Jackie: Oh, for God's sake, people rob liquor stores all the time! [pauses] I slept with Arnie!
Bonnie: What?! [everybody clamors in horror, confusion, and disgust]
Crystal: Oh, Jackie!

[clamoring continues to commercial break. Episode resumes back at the restaurant]

Anne Marie: You slept with Arnie???
Jackie: Yeah. It's out in the open. [silence] So, where's all the supportive stuff? [silence continues]
Roseanne: What the hell were you thinking?!
Jackie: I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary, and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my house planets are dead and no one loves me. But what difference does that make, anyway, because everything in my life SUCKS!!!
Roseanne: [scoffs] Well, that's still no excuse!
Jackie: [stammers in guilt and walks back to table] I--I... I was drunk. I... [whines] I made a mistake.
Roseanne: A mistake? A mistake. Jackie! Do I have to remind you that when we were all in high school, every one of us took a blood oath... [hits table] that this man would never be given the chance to breed! [gets up]
Jackie: Come on, come on, guys. I thought you were going to be there for me. [sits up]
Bonnie: Oh, Jackie, I mean...
Anne Marie: Well...
Crystal: Give us a minute here...
Roseanne: Oh my God. Do you realize... that everybody in this town, when they see me, they're gonna say, "There goes the sister of the woman who slept with Arnie!" [facepalms as Crystal, Anne Marie, and Bonnie comfort her. Jackie is confused]
Anne Marie: People forget, Roseanne.
Bonnie: Don't beat yourself up over this.
Crystal: You couldn't have seen this coming... [scene transitions to Conner kitchen, with the poker game]
Chuckie: And last card down and dirty.
Arnie: Speaking of down and dirty, You guys want to hear what happened last night?
The guys: No. No. No.
Leon: I'm gonna grab another beer. Anybody else?
Dan: Me.
Chuckie: Your bet.
Marvin: Quarter.
Arnie: It's really incredible. I can't believe what happened. [Leon goes into fridge] Last night. To me.
Dan: Quarter to you, Arnie.
Leon: Well, well, well. A gallon of mayo, a gallon of pickle chips, and, yes, it looks like a tub of Rodbell's famous cole slaw. Just like in my own refrigerator at home. [gives Dan a beer]
Arnie: Okay, I'll tell you, guys. I'll tell you. Last night, this really gorgeous chick came on to me.
Marvin: What was she this time, Arnie? A model? A movie star?
Arnie: No. This time she was real.
Dan: You mean that thing with you and Kathleen Turner on the monkey bars never really happened?
Arnie: I'm not kidding.
Marvin: Of course not, we know
Leon: Listen, Dan, I'm new here. Should I treat him like an idiot, too?
Dan: We don't stand on ceremony, but it is considered polite.
Arnie: Doesn't anyone want to hear about this?
Chuckie: Come on, cut it out, Arnie.
Dan: Yeah, like you'd cheat on Nancy.
Arnie: I did.
Dan: You're not kidding.
Arnie: No.
Dan: What is the matter with you, man? You just got Nancy back.
Arnie: Well, this woman wanted me, and you guys know that never happens.
Dan: Arnie, you're engaged. You just don't do it.
Chuckie: Come on, man, she's been real good to you.
Marvin: It's not right, man.
Arnie: Don't act like I'm some kind of criminal. Any one of guys would have done the exact same thing. [gets up]
Guys: No way. No.
Arnie: Oh yeah, you're just saying that because you're married and you're whipped.
Dan: He's got you there, Chuckie.
Arnie: Hey, Leon, you're not married. Help me out here. Let's say Melanie Griffith wants you really bad. Are you going to tell her no?
Leon: Actually, I would say no.
Arnie: The hell you would! [laughter]
Chuckie: You lying dog!
Leon: Guys, I'm serious.
Dan: Sure, you are, Leon. [laughter continues]
Leon: Didn't Roseanne tell you?
Dan: Tell me what?
Leon: That I'm gay. [everyone stares uneasily, but laugh and play it off]
Dan: Yeah, right.
Leon: Jeez, I-I thought you knew. [Dan realizes Leon is legit]
Dan: No. No, I mean, you know, it's okay... It happens.
Leon: Yup. It did.
Chuckie: [whistles awkwardly] Well--well, you know, um... I-I know a gay guy. Uh, his name's Bill. He... he lives in Chicago... M-maybe you know him.
Leon: Yeah. Yeah, sure, I know him. From Chicago. Gay Bill.
Dan: [annoyed] Smooth, Chuckie.
Chuckie: What? Nobody else was saying anything.
Dan: Say, I've got an idea. Let's play cards.
Leon: Thank you.
Chuckie: Okay, who's next?
Arnie: Okay, Leon, Leon. Forget about Melanie Griffith. Let's say Andy Griffith hits on you. Are you telling me you'd say no? [everyone rags on Arnie. Leon throws his cards at Arnie and Chuckie throws his hat at Arnie. Transitions to later that night, with Dan cleaning up] Hey listen, Dan, you know what? You guys are right. Nancy and I got something special going, and she trusts me, and for me to do what I did... I've sunk about as low as I've ever sunk in my whole life.
Dan: Okay... For the sake of argument.
Arnie: I'm gonna make some big changes. From now on, you're going to see New Arnie.
Dan: You're going to tell Nancy?
Arnie: Hell, no. The new Arnie wouldn't rat out the old Arnie.
Roseanne: [enters kitchen] Well, hi, Arnie!
Arnie: I gotta go. [makes his exit as Roseanne comes after him, grabbing his arm]
Roseanne: Oh wait, wait a minute, I'll walk you to the door.
Arnie: I know where it is. Ow, ow, ow...
Roseanne: Oh no, I insist. Allow me! You took advantage of my sister, and for that, you must die!
Arnie: Rosie... no one took advantage of anybody.
Roseanne: She was drunk and depressed.
Arnie: A lot of women are like that around me!
Roseanne: So, did you tell anybody? Did you tell Dan?
Arnie: No, I swear.
Roseanne: Because I'll tell you what, if you breathe a word of this to anybody in this town, I'm gonna tell Nancy.
Arnie: Don't do that, please.
Roseanne: You stay away from my sister!
Arnie: Did you clear that with her? [snickers at Roseanne, who is fed up as she opens the door]
Roseanne: GET OUT!!! [Arnie leaves as Roseanne slams the door and has a seat and Dan walks in]
Dan: Hey honey. How come you didn't tell me Leon was gay?
Roseanne: What difference does it make? You're all pigs!
Dan: Oh. [goes back into the kitchen as the scene cuts to the next day at Jackie's apartment. Jackie is seen doing extreme cleaning, including spraying Lysol on her bed. Someone knocks on her door]
Jackie: It's open. [door opens and it's Roseanne]
Roseanne: Hey. Are you alone?
Jackie: Yeah, why? Why, who'd you think was gonna be here?
Roseanne: God knows. [shuts door] Sorry. How you doing?
Jackie: Okay.
Roseanne: Yeah. Um... Are you mad at me? [helps Jackie fix her bed]
Jackie: Why?
Roseanne: Well, I figure, you know, what you did with Arnie... That was kind of like a cry for help.
Jackie: More like a scream.
Roseanne: Yeah, and I wasn't listening, and I just want to apologize for being a jerk last night.
Jackie: Oh, I'm the jerk, Roseanne. I screwed up my own life, and I can't blame you or Mom or Arnie.